Wednesday, January 16, 2013

the idiot's guide to surviving the cold

In this case, the idiot would be me. I'm also the one who looks super creepy style in the picture above. And in this post I hope to mostly guide you away from the guide I apparently seem to follow.

So if you live in Utah or have friends who live in Utah or have a distant relative or someone that you're stalking who lives in Utah, then you probably know that it's been cold lately.  Like, really cold.  You've probably seem a million instagram or facebook pics or a status update or a telegram or a morse code message or any other kind of social media communication telling you that the weather here is totes one million freezing.  But seriously, not a joke.  It's cold and the whole world knows it.

So anyway, I always check the weather before walking to work at the most pleasant hour of 7:20 am.  And let me just tell you that last week and this week, I would see depressing temperatures like 0 degrees or 1 degree or "It's so cold I'm not going to even tell you the temperature" degrees.  And since I live in such a cold climate (Antarctica, Shmantsharctica, puh-lease! They don't know cold! Come to Utah where we have a couple of extremely cold weeks a year.  We're eeeexperts in the cold busines, pffft), I thought I'd share a few tips that I've learned during my extended stay in Utah.

1. Don't buy a coat your freshman year of school.  This way you will quickly adjust to snowy weather after having lived nearly 19 years in California, where you remember thinking that anything below 32 degrees was straight up frigid.  Seriously though, why was I an idiot freshman year?  I think I had frostbite for 4 months straight, and I totes don't exaggerate.

2. Buy fake Ugg boots and then not only wear them in public waaaaaay too much, but also be afraid to wear them with skinny jeans so that you end up wearing them with the one pair of non-skinny jeans that you own which results in wearing stretched out, saggy-looking jeans a solid 7 days in a row or more.  Trust me, it's a very classy look and I rocked it.

3.  Once it is your sophomore year, be sure to wear down your faaaaabulous fake uggies so that they have holes in the bottom (because you are the world's most abusive shoe owner, not a freaking joke) making it so all the slushy, wet snow gets in them on your way to your horrible, awful, no-good, very bad job in the dark at six in the morning.  Gosh, I had temporarily burned that job experience out of my mind.  Soooo one million glad that's in the past.

4.  Also, during your sophomore year, be sure not to buy any warm clothing because...I don't know why.  You don't have time?  You're too poor?  You're too busy sleeping or pretending to do homework?  I don't know why, but it took me until Christmas of that year to finally buy a coat.  Girl struggles.

5. During your junior year, make sure to own no boots at all so that you can wear your Vans every single day because, let me tell you, nothing says "I keep your feet warm from the elements like snow and rain and the freezing world" like a pair of Vans.  I mean, I love my vans more than the next guy, that's the truth, but STILL. There are boundaries, girl.  You need to keep yo feet warm! So if the Vans aren't cutting it, wear your flats with no socks instead!  Because apparently you are super woman and don't notice that both of your feet fell off about a hundred yards back because you're not that bright.

6.  During your first senior year, you should probably finally try to figure things out and actually buy yourself a  pair of good, solid boots.  Spend a moderate amount of money on them because 1) you have bags and baaaags of cash to spare and because 2) you're still the world's most abusive shoe owner, so it's not like you wanted them to last for more than three months anyway, right?  Be sure to buy a half size too big for you; this will make it easier for the boots to drag on the ground a little bit making the whole "world's most abusive shoe owner" contest kind of a joke since we all know you're going to win for sure now.  Fortunately, that year will have limited amounts of snow, so you'll totes be okay walking to school with the heels of your boots practically disconnected from the shoe and flapping in the wind because, gosh dang it!  You love those boots!

7. Also, during your first senior year, you will probably realize that your bedroom is a safe place and that it's okay to own clothing that will actually keep you warm.  This will be one of the world's greatest a-ha! moments as you being to collect cardigan after cardigan after cardigan.  With all of these warm clothes, you have officially become an adult, only four years later than most people.

8. In your super senior year, be sure to reflect on your first senior year.  Remember how you spent a good chunk of money on those boots?  Don't do that again.  Be sure to get cheaper boots, but also be sure to spend more on them than they are worth.  This way, when they wear out after three months because surprise, surprise--you're STILL the world's most abusive shoe owner--you won't feel as bad about it.  Mostly you'll just be a little bummed because this is going to be a cooooollld and snowy winter, so good luck with that.

9. In your super senior year, you'll still think that you're superwoman and think that when it is above ten degrees outside, that is a perfectly valid reason to stop wearing warm socks.  Who needs toes anyway?  You can donate them to the Frostbite Foundation because what better cause is there than that?  Also, if it gets to be above 10 degrees, feel completely justified in pulling out your hot pants, which are unfortunately misnamed because they mostly just keep you cold because they are extremely thin.  Tangent alert! At this point, I feel I must discuss hot pants.  Every girl needs to have a pair of hot pants.  Hot pants are those pants/jeans that make you look goooooood (or in my case, they probably just make me feel good, but that's beside the point).  Katie Cutler had her hot pants, Megan Spencer had her hot pants, even Rachel Alford had her hot mint maternity pants.  Every girl needs a pair of hot pants.  If you ever see a girl wearing her hot pants, be sure to let her know.  For example, every time Katie Cutler would walk into the room wearing her hot pants, I would simply yell "Hot pants!!"  Trust me, it's very flattering.  If you are a girl and do not own a pair of hot pants, get out there and find them!  You deserve hot pants!  Every girl deserve hot pants!  If you don't own hot pants, you'll be the girl I was freshman year with the saggy, super NOT hot pants.  No, but seriously.  Treat yourself.  Tangent over. Anyway, as a reminder, just because it is above ten degrees does not, I repeat it DOES NOT mean that it is warm outside.  So be sure to weigh the pros and cons of hot pants vs. the weather when you get dressed in the morning.  Also, wear another layer, you fool!

10. After you graduate from college you will suddenly be blessed with infinite amounts of intelligence and will finally learn how to survive in the cold.  At least, I sure hope you do.  Because you are me and I'm still struggling.

"The Idiot's Guide to Surviving the Cold" was written by Stacy LeCheminant who is, in fact, an idiot when it comes to surviving the cold.  Stacy lives in Provo, Utah, and enjoys destroying shoes, tripping up stairs, and eating cookies.  She also loves being in school for five years, which is just long enough to start understanding how to survive the cold.  Stacy was nominated for "World's Most Abusive Shoe Owner" five years in a row and is currently on the hunt for a husband new pair of boots. This might actually be the dumbest blog post she has ever written, but whatevs.


britt(; said...

that totes awk moment when you've never given me the "HOT PANTS" shoutout EVER when i've walked into work.

britt(; said...

also my name still has a winking face next to it. help us all.

Mom said...

Two comments. First, I notice that you did not mention that your mother offered to BUY you a pair of good solid boots during your first senior year, and you turned her down (add that to your list...), and second--because some of us grew up in the late 60's, early 70's..."hot pants" had a whole different meaning, which for several minutes made us old folks who thought you were actually talking about "those" hot pants really concerned about your mental state... and quite frankly, agreeing with the "idiot" notion:).