Monday, August 13, 2012

survey humor.

I love holiday humor.  You know, jokes in December that reference reindeer or santa or candy canes or mistletoe.  I also love survey humor, which is basically the same, except you reference surveys in your jokes.  You've never done that?  Oh, that's so weird.  It's probably just because you don't work with surveys all day, every day at work. And that's okay.  But I'll tell you what.  Sometimes Kelsey P. and I like to text each other using a little survey humor.  And today, I'd like to share some of that with you.  But in order for you to understand our one MILLION hilarious conversation, you must first know some questions from our survey.

But what is our survey about?  Well, let me tell you: "In our survey, we ask questions about health, your community, your access to healthcare, employment opportunities, and how things are going for you." That was supposed to be an exact quote that we read from our survey, but it turns out I was never very good at reading that dang thing word for word, so you get my abbreviated version instead.

Anyway, there's a part of the survey where we say something like, "In that past 7 days, on how many days did you..."  and then you fill in the blank with things like, "feel lonely", "sleep restlessly", "have crying spells", "feel fearful" (by the way, that's a hard thing to say), etc.  People always get a kick out of the crying spells part.  Idk, it just sounds weird, I guess.

We then ask a couple questions like, "Have you lost interest in activities that you used to enjoy as a result of your physical health?"  "Have you lost interest in activities that you used to enjoy as a result of emotional problems?"  "Have you accomplished less than you would like at your work or other regular activities as a result of emotional problems such as feeling depressed or anxious?"  I hate that I know all of these.

There are questions like, "On a scale from 1 to 7, where one means badly needs improvement and 7 means exceptional, how would you rate your community as a place to raise a family?" "On the same scale, where one means badly needs improvement and 7 means exceptional, how would you shopping facilities in your community?"  "On a scale from 1 to 7, how would you rate the quality of care you get from your primary care physician?" My favorite is when in response to these questions, people say "fine".  So you have to be like, "Well, where would you put that on a scale from 1 to 7?"  Seriously, they always forget the scale.  It's awesome.  (But seriously, I don't blame them because I'm pretty sure the scale changes every two's cray).

One of my personal favorite questions is "How long has it been since your spouse last visited a doctor for a routine checkup?"  Now, just reading that, you might be like, what's so hard about that?  To you I say, try saying that out loud.  You might not think it's that hard, but let me just tell you.  The word 'visited' is always such a struggle for me.  I don't know, it just is.  Messes me up e'ery single time.

So now you understand what some of our questions are like.  And now we will proceed to the part of the show where Larry comes out and sings...a silly song I share my conversation with Kelsey P. during which we were discussing the fact that as of last Friday, she no longer works there (until January, that is!).  Here it is:

S: Haha, oh man. Good times, my friend. What the heck am I supposed to do there now without you?
K: I don't know. Probably just have crying spells.
S: And also feel fearful.
K: Probably also lose interest in activities that you used to enjoy. Like making great jokes with me.
S: On a scale from 1 to 7, I'd say the workplace will badly need improvement.
K: You didn't give it a number: I will read the scale again so you can choose a number.
S: Oh my gosh, how embarrassing. It's probably because it's been too long since I last visited a doctor for a routine checkup.
K: If anyone besides our coworkers read this conversation, they would probably rate the quality of our mental health specialists as a 1. But I think it is hilarious.
S: Ahaha, but srsly. Survey humor. It's too good.

So it turns out that you might not actually think this is that hilarious unless you are one of my coworkers, but srsly. I was dying.  Survey humor.  Prolls one of my new favorite things.  Can't wait to use it whenever I text Kelsey P. who will be in Washington D.C.!  Yeah!


Kelsey P said...

Ah Stace. So flattered. Also remember that time when I post a comment on everything you've posted since the beginning of the summer? Yeah, you're welcome. Hope work without me is bearable.

Ji Su Park said...

Fact: You two are hilarious.

Unknown said...

bahaha! This almost makes me miss working there, if only just for the excellent co-workers.

britt(; said...

While I was reading this I basically said the entire survey in my head. I hate myself. Also the winky face. I hate that too.

I just like you guys a lot.

Janelle said...

I approve of this texting conversation. Also, I'm fairly certain I have all of those stupid questions memorized. Fav: "Did you have sex that was satisfying to both partners?"